Thursday, July 30, 2009

Hard days

I sometimes wonder when will the pain in my heart stop. When do the tears stop swelling up in my eyes, when do I get to feel and see the joy again in my family and in many others. I have not lost a child to cancer, I have come very close and have see my mighty Father just hold my boy so close yet, allow him to still be here with me and trusting me one more day to be his mommy along with my other two. What a gift, yet it doesn't always feel like a gift, some days are so hard, I just have to sit and cry. I thought the end of treatment would bring so much closure and joy, yet, I stumble each day searching for a peace to carry me through. Learning of families losing a child to cancer just overwhelms me, the survivor guilt can hit hard, the anquish the families are going through is intouchable yet, this is our life, this is my family this is where God has placed me to be a light to be a comfort to be something I am not familiar with. I can't go back to my confort zones, I need to move forward but how? When does the pain stop, when does the fear to return friends phone calls cease. Some weeks it is a continual reminder of how much cancer robs us of our time, these are the weeks I can barely get through. As I remind myself my darkest hours are only 60 minutes it sometimes makes it better. I realized how much I miss journaling on Bransen's caringbridge site, how I miss just writing down my fears and requests to God and walking away. When did I lose that security in Him, when did I start walking on my own and not under His arms? Life is too short, it can be taken at anytime, cancer, accidents, heart disease. In walking the road with my 3b's, I am reminded of grace and love, the unconditional kind that will move a mountain, will part a sea will bring the greatest of comfort, that is where I need to seek, that my friend is where I am lost, and yet He is right there, I am not lost, I am His and only His!

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