Thursday, July 30, 2009

Hard days

I sometimes wonder when will the pain in my heart stop. When do the tears stop swelling up in my eyes, when do I get to feel and see the joy again in my family and in many others. I have not lost a child to cancer, I have come very close and have see my mighty Father just hold my boy so close yet, allow him to still be here with me and trusting me one more day to be his mommy along with my other two. What a gift, yet it doesn't always feel like a gift, some days are so hard, I just have to sit and cry. I thought the end of treatment would bring so much closure and joy, yet, I stumble each day searching for a peace to carry me through. Learning of families losing a child to cancer just overwhelms me, the survivor guilt can hit hard, the anquish the families are going through is intouchable yet, this is our life, this is my family this is where God has placed me to be a light to be a comfort to be something I am not familiar with. I can't go back to my confort zones, I need to move forward but how? When does the pain stop, when does the fear to return friends phone calls cease. Some weeks it is a continual reminder of how much cancer robs us of our time, these are the weeks I can barely get through. As I remind myself my darkest hours are only 60 minutes it sometimes makes it better. I realized how much I miss journaling on Bransen's caringbridge site, how I miss just writing down my fears and requests to God and walking away. When did I lose that security in Him, when did I start walking on my own and not under His arms? Life is too short, it can be taken at anytime, cancer, accidents, heart disease. In walking the road with my 3b's, I am reminded of grace and love, the unconditional kind that will move a mountain, will part a sea will bring the greatest of comfort, that is where I need to seek, that my friend is where I am lost, and yet He is right there, I am not lost, I am His and only His!

Friday, July 3, 2009

routine exam not routine results

Why do routine check-ups for Bransen put me into a whirlwind of emotions? On Tuesday, Bransen when in for his routine ultra sound, after Neil trying to calm him down and keep Brans still, the head tech wanted more pics on another machine. UGH, there is nothing harder than having to hold your son down for what seems like an eternity while the tech pokes and prods your precious boy hoping to get better pics of the kidney. Then the emotional wait, generally it is a couple of days but, here I was with the changing of the guards at the hospital all three B’s in tote and the news I never want to hear again. “We have some concerns” WHAT, the spot we have been monitoring for the past year and a half has changed, has it grown? Is the cancer back? The tears start flowing, again, I hear, the cancer may be back. I can not explain how terrified I am of that statement, how much my heart drops to the ground, how much I just want to hold my boy and run. After some candid conversation with our Dr. I was able to go home, the plan, MRI. I left with the biggest hole in my heart, what can you do, think. tell people, my mind just races. Don’t jump to conclusions, do overreact wait. HA HA HA, there is a constant uncertainty and fear when you have a child who has fought cancer. My heart tells me one thing, but then there is reality, cancer is sneaky, cancer does not give you a break nor does it give you a warning, it takes your most precious love and robs them of time. Our family will never be the same. Bransen’s spot is changing on his kidney, it has been a solid mass now it is a bit larger and looking like cottage cheese. Many phone calls have been made to get insight from our team. We are going ahead with the MRI, we want to do the test which will give us the best answers with the least risk. Biopsy is too risky at this point as if it is cancer and the tumor leaks or bursts they would have to do an emergency surgery which would but us on dialysis for the nest 18 months until we could be approved for a transplant. Oncology, believes the tumor is growing, or nephrologists is not as concerned and wants to be more conservative do a MRI, blood work more often and see. Bransen would not be able to do chemo again so kidney removal is our only option. Our family is clinging together this week, anxiously waiting for Monday to come and results we want to hear. The rollercoaster is climbing to the top and we are waiting to see what the ride will be like. This is the time, I want to remind everyone, cancer robs families of so much, we will hardly ever have a “routine” dr visit, every cold, bump or off day, brings one’s emotions into a spiral. I am thankful for each day with my three B’s there is nothing more than knowing I can give each one a hug and kiss for one more day!