Sunday, April 19, 2009
I realize how thank ful I am to have three amazing children, somedays I wonder why I have been so blessed. Survivors guilt is a daily emotion. I walk a fine line of hiding inside my house and not seeing the world, the sun, or walk in the rain, I hibernate from friends, feeling, they don't want to be part of my pitty party somedays. I try to bring back the joy, laughter and humor I once had, but, somedays are harder than others. I contiually ask myself why, I have my boy, he is growing bigger and stronger. I have not had to let go of him on this earth, I am not facing dialysis 3 times a week with a slim change of my child getting a transplant. I am not morning the loss of my child, I am watching News Reporters shave their heads to raise money for cancer research, I am gretaful for my life! My Husband throws me an amazing suprise 40th birthday party with so many who have seen my darkest days and knew the reality we faced of losing our Bransen. This morning I sit, with three kids wrestling and screaming in joy at each other, my parents dog Shadow, joining in. The sun is shinning - what a glorious day. Today is a day to move forward. Just like I lived hour by hour, now is the time to move forward hour by hour, to make the choice to live life to the fullest. Would I want it any other way. ummm NO, this is my life to live - to complete what God started and to follow His will for me!
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Somedays I really wonder about my purpose! Laundry short order cook, driver and I hear the laughter and playing of my three wonderful kids. Who am I now? I still fight this each day, I am a mom, of three amazing kids, one who has conquered cancer and being a true toddler. I am no longer getting the attention at the hospital, new nurses, new patients, it is all new, yet they are all fighting the same fight I fought, to keep my son in my arms, to have him be around for many more years. My heart aches for these families as their journies are beginning, yet they are in a secure enviroment their child is being monitored , cancer is being watched. A year and a half later, I still struggle, a little limp, sleeping longer, a bruse on his leg, my heart stops. My life before Feb 22 2007 is no longer, yet I find joy in seeing where God wants me to be, who he wants me to be, I am starting to peel off the layers of emotions and fears I have had. The tears are spread daily, sometimes from joy and laughter, sometimes from feeling overwhelmed, someday for being thankful and others just plain scared! Cancer does not have a place in our home, yet is continually gets in somehow. I need to let go, to live life enjoying my kids, my husband and search for my purpose and seek where God wants me. I am thankful for each day, easy or hard, yet wonder each day, can I make it through?