Friday, July 3, 2009

routine exam not routine results

Why do routine check-ups for Bransen put me into a whirlwind of emotions? On Tuesday, Bransen when in for his routine ultra sound, after Neil trying to calm him down and keep Brans still, the head tech wanted more pics on another machine. UGH, there is nothing harder than having to hold your son down for what seems like an eternity while the tech pokes and prods your precious boy hoping to get better pics of the kidney. Then the emotional wait, generally it is a couple of days but, here I was with the changing of the guards at the hospital all three B’s in tote and the news I never want to hear again. “We have some concerns” WHAT, the spot we have been monitoring for the past year and a half has changed, has it grown? Is the cancer back? The tears start flowing, again, I hear, the cancer may be back. I can not explain how terrified I am of that statement, how much my heart drops to the ground, how much I just want to hold my boy and run. After some candid conversation with our Dr. I was able to go home, the plan, MRI. I left with the biggest hole in my heart, what can you do, think. tell people, my mind just races. Don’t jump to conclusions, do overreact wait. HA HA HA, there is a constant uncertainty and fear when you have a child who has fought cancer. My heart tells me one thing, but then there is reality, cancer is sneaky, cancer does not give you a break nor does it give you a warning, it takes your most precious love and robs them of time. Our family will never be the same. Bransen’s spot is changing on his kidney, it has been a solid mass now it is a bit larger and looking like cottage cheese. Many phone calls have been made to get insight from our team. We are going ahead with the MRI, we want to do the test which will give us the best answers with the least risk. Biopsy is too risky at this point as if it is cancer and the tumor leaks or bursts they would have to do an emergency surgery which would but us on dialysis for the nest 18 months until we could be approved for a transplant. Oncology, believes the tumor is growing, or nephrologists is not as concerned and wants to be more conservative do a MRI, blood work more often and see. Bransen would not be able to do chemo again so kidney removal is our only option. Our family is clinging together this week, anxiously waiting for Monday to come and results we want to hear. The rollercoaster is climbing to the top and we are waiting to see what the ride will be like. This is the time, I want to remind everyone, cancer robs families of so much, we will hardly ever have a “routine” dr visit, every cold, bump or off day, brings one’s emotions into a spiral. I am thankful for each day with my three B’s there is nothing more than knowing I can give each one a hug and kiss for one more day!

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