Sunday, April 19, 2009

Lost for words

I realize how thank ful I am to have three amazing children, somedays I wonder why I have been so blessed. Survivors guilt is a daily emotion. I walk a fine line of hiding inside my house and not seeing the world, the sun, or walk in the rain, I hibernate from friends, feeling, they don't want to be part of my pitty party somedays. I try to bring back the joy, laughter and humor I once had, but, somedays are harder than others. I contiually ask myself why, I have my boy, he is growing bigger and stronger. I have not had to let go of him on this earth, I am not facing dialysis 3 times a week with a slim change of my child getting a transplant. I am not morning the loss of my child, I am watching News Reporters shave their heads to raise money for cancer research, I am gretaful for my life! My Husband throws me an amazing suprise 40th birthday party with so many who have seen my darkest days and knew the reality we faced of losing our Bransen. This morning I sit, with three kids wrestling and screaming in joy at each other, my parents dog Shadow, joining in. The sun is shinning - what a glorious day. Today is a day to move forward. Just like I lived hour by hour, now is the time to move forward hour by hour, to make the choice to live life to the fullest. Would I want it any other way. ummm NO, this is my life to live - to complete what God started and to follow His will for me!


TAFTY5 said...

I just realized you updated your blog. You write so well! This is such a good way for you to heal. Please know I am always here for you. You NEVER have to hide from me. I ALWAYS like a pitty party! ;0)

aprilann said...

What beautiful words...of course, you know I relate to what you feel. I felt so priveleged to be at your party and a part of your life. Please know I'm here and can have lunch or coffee. I am doing so much better this last month thanks to Jesus working through others. I wish you could have met Aloysius & Esther from Gulu, Uganda... Jesus is our balm to heal the wounded heart. I pray His balm covers your heart.
Love you,