the rain

ok, it is August and raining, WHAT, well I guess that is just the fact s of living in oregon and soccer starting. This summer has gone by so fast, it has been filled with playdates, day trips and just some down time. I feel like I keep spinning around and around with my emotions, the rollorcoaster of living a life with cancer. I realized most of my posts have been written when we have been dealing with questionable results on Bransen's tests. So today it is start of seeking the joy, I am starting a new job, one I am in the "trial period" for and hoping to be paid in the new year. It is so close to my heart yet, keeps me removed from cancer. I am excited yet hesitate as I enjoy being a stay at home mom, most days :)
The rain reminds me of many tough days yet, a new beginning, without rain, the plants wouldn't grow, the rivers wouldn't flow, the mountains wouldn't have snow. The rain brings clean air and for me a clear mind. It is time to move forward to seek the new opportunities and the changes. this fall will be exciting, new job, school starting and watching the kids grow and grow!

Hard days

I sometimes wonder when will the pain in my heart stop. When do the tears stop swelling up in my eyes, when do I get to feel and see the joy again in my family and in many others. I have not lost a child to cancer, I have come very close and have see my mighty Father just hold my boy so close yet, allow him to still be here with me and trusting me one more day to be his mommy along with my other two. What a gift, yet it doesn't always feel like a gift, some days are so hard, I just have to sit and cry. I thought the end of treatment would bring so much closure and joy, yet, I stumble each day searching for a peace to carry me through. Learning of families losing a child to cancer just overwhelms me, the survivor guilt can hit hard, the anquish the families are going through is intouchable yet, this is our life, this is my family this is where God has placed me to be a light to be a comfort to be something I am not familiar with. I can't go back to my confort zones, I need to move forward but how? When does the pain stop, when does the fear to return friends phone calls cease. Some weeks it is a continual reminder of how much cancer robs us of our time, these are the weeks I can barely get through. As I remind myself my darkest hours are only 60 minutes it sometimes makes it better. I realized how much I miss journaling on Bransen's caringbridge site, how I miss just writing down my fears and requests to God and walking away. When did I lose that security in Him, when did I start walking on my own and not under His arms? Life is too short, it can be taken at anytime, cancer, accidents, heart disease. In walking the road with my 3b's, I am reminded of grace and love, the unconditional kind that will move a mountain, will part a sea will bring the greatest of comfort, that is where I need to seek, that my friend is where I am lost, and yet He is right there, I am not lost, I am His and only His!

routine exam not routine results

Why do routine check-ups for Bransen put me into a whirlwind of emotions? On Tuesday, Bransen when in for his routine ultra sound, after Neil trying to calm him down and keep Brans still, the head tech wanted more pics on another machine. UGH, there is nothing harder than having to hold your son down for what seems like an eternity while the tech pokes and prods your precious boy hoping to get better pics of the kidney. Then the emotional wait, generally it is a couple of days but, here I was with the changing of the guards at the hospital all three B’s in tote and the news I never want to hear again. “We have some concerns” WHAT, the spot we have been monitoring for the past year and a half has changed, has it grown? Is the cancer back? The tears start flowing, again, I hear, the cancer may be back. I can not explain how terrified I am of that statement, how much my heart drops to the ground, how much I just want to hold my boy and run. After some candid conversation with our Dr. I was able to go home, the plan, MRI. I left with the biggest hole in my heart, what can you do, think. tell people, my mind just races. Don’t jump to conclusions, do overreact wait. HA HA HA, there is a constant uncertainty and fear when you have a child who has fought cancer. My heart tells me one thing, but then there is reality, cancer is sneaky, cancer does not give you a break nor does it give you a warning, it takes your most precious love and robs them of time. Our family will never be the same. Bransen’s spot is changing on his kidney, it has been a solid mass now it is a bit larger and looking like cottage cheese. Many phone calls have been made to get insight from our team. We are going ahead with the MRI, we want to do the test which will give us the best answers with the least risk. Biopsy is too risky at this point as if it is cancer and the tumor leaks or bursts they would have to do an emergency surgery which would but us on dialysis for the nest 18 months until we could be approved for a transplant. Oncology, believes the tumor is growing, or nephrologists is not as concerned and wants to be more conservative do a MRI, blood work more often and see. Bransen would not be able to do chemo again so kidney removal is our only option. Our family is clinging together this week, anxiously waiting for Monday to come and results we want to hear. The rollercoaster is climbing to the top and we are waiting to see what the ride will be like. This is the time, I want to remind everyone, cancer robs families of so much, we will hardly ever have a “routine” dr visit, every cold, bump or off day, brings one’s emotions into a spiral. I am thankful for each day with my three B’s there is nothing more than knowing I can give each one a hug and kiss for one more day!

Lost for words

I realize how thank ful I am to have three amazing children, somedays I wonder why I have been so blessed. Survivors guilt is a daily emotion. I walk a fine line of hiding inside my house and not seeing the world, the sun, or walk in the rain, I hibernate from friends, feeling, they don't want to be part of my pitty party somedays. I try to bring back the joy, laughter and humor I once had, but, somedays are harder than others. I contiually ask myself why, I have my boy, he is growing bigger and stronger. I have not had to let go of him on this earth, I am not facing dialysis 3 times a week with a slim change of my child getting a transplant. I am not morning the loss of my child, I am watching News Reporters shave their heads to raise money for cancer research, I am gretaful for my life! My Husband throws me an amazing suprise 40th birthday party with so many who have seen my darkest days and knew the reality we faced of losing our Bransen. This morning I sit, with three kids wrestling and screaming in joy at each other, my parents dog Shadow, joining in. The sun is shinning - what a glorious day. Today is a day to move forward. Just like I lived hour by hour, now is the time to move forward hour by hour, to make the choice to live life to the fullest. Would I want it any other way. ummm NO, this is my life to live - to complete what God started and to follow His will for me!

Somedays I really wonder about my purpose! Laundry short order cook, driver and I hear the laughter and playing of my three wonderful kids. Who am I now? I still fight this each day, I am a mom, of three amazing kids, one who has conquered cancer and being a true toddler. I am no longer getting the attention at the hospital, new nurses, new patients, it is all new, yet they are all fighting the same fight I fought, to keep my son in my arms, to have him be around for many more years. My heart aches for these families as their journies are beginning, yet they are in a secure enviroment their child is being monitored , cancer is being watched. A year and a half later, I still struggle, a little limp, sleeping longer, a bruse on his leg, my heart stops. My life before Feb 22 2007 is no longer, yet I find joy in seeing where God wants me to be, who he wants me to be, I am starting to peel off the layers of emotions and fears I have had. The tears are spread daily, sometimes from joy and laughter, sometimes from feeling overwhelmed, someday for being thankful and others just plain scared! Cancer does not have a place in our home, yet is continually gets in somehow. I need to let go, to live life enjoying my kids, my husband and search for my purpose and seek where God wants me. I am thankful for each day, easy or hard, yet wonder each day, can I make it through?

Reminder for mom

Some days I really miss our caring bridge site. Yesterday was tough, I was reminded of the rollercoaster ride we were always on during treatment. It seemed so normal and OK then, now it hits me like a brick. During treatment, we were always looking at numbers, blood counts, platelets, bun, cretin, when they were off, it was part of treatment, effects of chemo and would rebound with time, we rejoiced when they all fell in the proper range. Now, when a number is off, it is overwhelming and emotional. We have our oncology team where it seems everything is cancer, our kidney team, just tracking those numbers and looking at what really is Bransen’s normal, we have our surgery team, always willing to let me cry and give us an overall perspective and our urology team also there to calm my heart.
I realized even though we have moved on from cancer and looking forward to many years with Bransen and the other B’s, there is always that little voice in the back of my head and deep in my heart – calling cancer – this will prob never go away, once you have been on this rollercoaster ride and have the joy of your child still being able to sit in your arms, you are reminded of the fragileness of life. I try so hard to be strong, move forward and not let some of these bumps effect me, but this one hit me like a semi-truck. I was reminded of 12 months ago facing the cancer being back with no options just time with our precious boy. The uncertainty of life is with all my kids, today is calming, my heart aches as I look at my little boy, I just want it all to go away, I fear his surgery next week may reveal something, prayfully not. I am thankful for so many friends to make me laugh, our friends of nurses who heard of our concerns and the flood of phone calls from them doing research, encouraging me and EVERYONE who looks at me, with loving eyes, and hearts which are so warm, reminding me to just look at Brans, look at where he is, and really look into my own heart as a mom, as to what I feel.
Cancer, is our past, celebrating life is our present and future, whatever we are presented with we will once again, rejoice to all we have. Bransen someday you will have the joy in seeing how much you have touched your mom and allowed me to grow!

My rollercoaster

How do I even begin? The emotional roller coaster is one that is so difficult to navigate, I feel all aspects of my life falling apart, yet, here I am with 3 wonderful children, healthy and I am overwhelmed. The desire to complete or do anything is non- existent, the emotions of joy, love, happiness I once craved and could see daily do not appear to be anywhere inside me. Here I am walking a road with my three kids, healthy energetic and joyous, and I can hardly force a smile, yet, I yearn to love and embrace them and share in laughter and fun times. The road after treatment is so much harder that the journey, I feel my whole nuclear family falling apart and here me as a mom can not hold things together. I can not complete a project nor look forward to free time with my family; I am determined to conquer this journey as much as we have conquered cancer. My heart and soul ache, but, I know as I have traveled down a road of uncertainty this too will be one I will learn on my Fathers shoulders and be carried through, in a way I am unsure of but, know He will bring back the joy and excitement .