Some days I really miss our caring bridge site. Yesterday was tough, I was reminded of the rollercoaster ride we were always on during treatment. It seemed so normal and OK then, now it hits me like a brick. During treatment, we were always looking at numbers, blood counts, platelets, bun, cretin, when they were off, it was part of treatment, effects of chemo and would rebound with time, we rejoiced when they all fell in the proper range. Now, when a number is off, it is overwhelming and emotional. We have our oncology team where it seems everything is cancer, our kidney team, just tracking those numbers and looking at what really is Bransen’s normal, we have our surgery team, always willing to let me cry and give us an overall perspective and our urology team also there to calm my heart.
I realized even though we have moved on from cancer and looking forward to many years with Bransen and the other B’s, there is always that little voice in the back of my head and deep in my heart – calling cancer – this will prob never go away, once you have been on this rollercoaster ride and have the joy of your child still being able to sit in your arms, you are reminded of the fragileness of life. I try so hard to be strong, move forward and not let some of these bumps effect me, but this one hit me like a semi-truck. I was reminded of 12 months ago facing the cancer being back with no options just time with our precious boy. The uncertainty of life is with all my kids, today is calming, my heart aches as I look at my little boy, I just want it all to go away, I fear his surgery next week may reveal something, prayfully not. I am thankful for so many friends to make me laugh, our friends of nurses who heard of our concerns and the flood of phone calls from them doing research, encouraging me and EVERYONE who looks at me, with loving eyes, and hearts which are so warm, reminding me to just look at Brans, look at where he is, and really look into my own heart as a mom, as to what I feel.
Cancer, is our past, celebrating life is our present and future, whatever we are presented with we will once again, rejoice to all we have. Bransen someday you will have the joy in seeing how much you have touched your mom and allowed me to grow!